I was ready to get up and be responsible. Like an adult.
Then I wake up. And it’s 5 minutes before I’m supposed to leave.
Tonight, I will be in bed early. Staring at a ceiling, waiting for sleep to come. Maybe I’ll take a Benadryl or something. But by God … I am waking up on time tomorrow.
To be honest … I don’t particularly hold the ability to wake up on time in very high esteem. However, I know that in general, society is in to that sort of thing. What bothers me, is that I am having so much trouble making what should be a simple adjustment.
I doubt anyone noticed, but I promised to “do my damnedest” to post everyday … yet I failed to post anything over the weekend. Eh, I don’t feel as bad about it as I thought I would. I had a much better time chillaxing with my ladyfriend.
My problems with discipline continue. Alas. Rome wasn’t built in day.
Speaking of the ladyfriend, we went to see Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater at City Center over the weekend. We also played Guitar Hero 3 and watched several episodes of Twin Peaks on DVD. I also fit in a brunch on Saturday in the Slope, did some minor grocery shopping and did some laundry (myself, I didn’t even drop it off!).
And this morning, I requested a slew of days off this month, and got it.
So I’m in a good mood right now. Slightly surprising as it was nearly impossible for me to get out of bed this morning. Again.
Which reminds me, I did some cursory research on the whole meditation thing. I’m so damn cynical. I will need to trust my source (any hint of cheesiness or empty “promises” and I turn ugly). Particularly ironic, considering part of the idea would be letting go of judgment. And most sources for information on meditation make me giggle. Others tend to creep me out, as they can get quite authoritarian. Also ironic, if you ask me.I found a simple technique that reminds me of some exercises I did in school that I found helpful. I plan on giving it a whirl tomorrow morning, pre-coffee. Hopefully, this will help keep my waking mind at bay rather than prevent me from doing it at all.
I also wrote the first draft of an email to a minister today. More on that later, but I’m excited about this email.
I’ve been a little on edge lately. Feeling frustrated, blocked and inert.
I can think of a million things to do to change … but none of them scream “Yes, Matthew, I am the solution you’ve been searching for. Rest easy, my son. The battle is over.”
That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
Sometimes I think “oh just do it, change now” … but I’ve made rash decisions in the past that didn’t work out so well. Not saying I have any regrets (who knows how alternatives would have turned out). I’ve just learned that it’s adviseable to know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourself into and what you’re hoping to get out of it.
I’m not going to go into great detail about what is making me feel frustrated here … it’s not personal, and it’s not spiritual … but I find it affecting these aspects of my life, and I want that to stop. In essence, I’m worried about time. I assume I have plenty of it left here … but I’m worried that if things don’t change soon … I’ll wake up and find myself at the end of a path I never meant to choose in the first place.
The problem is that I’m a relatively pleasant person. I take enjoyment from and find love within the people I surround myself with. Generally, I make extremely good choices in that arena, and I’ve been blessed with a nearly 30-year spat of good luck as well. I try to make everything I do enjoyable for myself and for those around me. It’s just hard to notice that you’re unfulfilled when you’re basically in a good mood all the time. It’s like I’ve been walking along a lovely trail … checking out the wildlife, the groovy foliage … and now I’m looking around and I’ve realized I’m totally lost.
The one thing that I have decided is that I need some discipline. It’s something I’ve consciously shunned most of my life. I’ve always despised formality and external discipline is the pinnacle of that. However, internal discipline … that’s something I can have some respect for.
So I’m going to enforce this on my schedule. Try to get up at a certain time. In bed by a certain time. Start some form of meditation that will encourage said discipline. I’m going to have to experiment to find the right practice for myself. I’m really picky … which is quite the obstacle when you’re trying to let go of judgement and the petty distractions of the material world.
Speaking of petty distractions, I’m going to do my damnedest to post to this blog every day, even it’s just a link or something. Again, discipline, routines. Please note, I reserve the right to disappear again at anytime. I’m just trying this out. I expect this to result in a lot of crappy posts. I apologize in advance.
Keeping all that in mind, this is a fine cover of “Many Rivers to Cross” by the fine NYC band, The Walkmen. As legend has it, they lost the lease for their studio located on the Upper West Side in 2006. Distraught with the loss, they decided to record one more album real quick-like and covered the entirety of Pussy Cats, an album by Harry Nilsson, produced by John Lennon and recorded during their legendary Lost Weekend in 1974. Enjoy.
Today is the 67th anniversary of John Lennon’s birth. This day (along with December 8, the date of his assasination) has always been a bit of a holiday for me. It certainly is a more valid choice than Columbus Day.
It’s not like I take a day off or something. I just fire up my Lennon mix on ye olde iPod in the morning, and swing by Strawberry Fields in the evening to see hippies and the yuppies caterwaul along to guitars, more than slightly out of tune. It’s a pilgrimage of sorts. Some people go to church on Easter. I go to Central Park on October 9th.
Maybe I change my AIM icon for the day. Maybe I’m a dork.
So here’s a mix for you, so you can celebrate in your own way. There are plenty of stellar songs that I skipped (like a little ditty named “Imagine”), so this is not meant to be comprehensive at all … (UPDATE: SeeqPod is an awesome site, but it’s in “beta” … so it’s not exactly reliable … so no promises on the player below)
And while we’re at it … here’s this. Prepare to be conflicted:
